DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15c each. Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2/2 hrs (25c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs. (2Se) 15 

After the Game, 2- acts, lyi 

hrs (2Sc) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 4 

All for the Cause, 1 act, 1% 

hrs (25c) 10 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (25c) 6 10- 

And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

2J4 hrs (35c) 6 6 

Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs. ... ; (25c) 7 5 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

• 214 hrs (25c) 9. 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2^4 hrs (2Sc) 6 14 

Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, li/i hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 

m hrs (25c) 16 2 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2J4 

hrs. ..., (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2J4 h. (25c) 7 4 
Call of the Colors, 2 acts, lYz 

. hrs (25c) 4 10 

Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, I3/4 

hrs (25c) 10 

Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 

254 hrs (35c) 8 10 

Civil Service, 3 acts, 2i^ hrs. 

(25c) 6 5 

College Town, 3 acts, 2 '4 

hrs (25c) 9 8 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 2;4 hrs (2Sc) 6 4 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. 

(25c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2'/^ 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2V4. hrs.. (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1- hr. . . . (25c) 10 
Enchanted Wood, 1 j^ h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, .1 acts, 1 ;/< h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at tlic \Mndow, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Fifty-Eifty, 3 acts, 2 hrs. (35c) 6 8 
Fun on the Podunk 'Limited, 

1% hrs (25c) 9 14 



Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. (25c) 3 5 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (2Sc)12 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2}^ 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Jayville Junction, 1% hrs.(25c)14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 ' acts, 

214 hrs (25c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2}i hrs (2Sc) 6 12 

Lady of the Library, 3 acts, 2 

hrs. (25c) S 10 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 134 hrs. 

(25c) .; 4 5 

Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2^4 

hrs ■ (25c) 5 4 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

hrs. .(2Sc) 3 4 

Mirandy's Minstrels. ... (25c) Optnl. 
Mrs. Tubbs Does Her Bit, 3 

acts, 2J4 hrs .(25c) 7 7 

ISIrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 2',4 hrs (25c) 4 7 

Old Fashioned Mother, 3 acts, 

2^ hrs (25c) 6 6 

Old Maid's, Club, 1^ hrs.(2Sc) 2 16 
Old Oakeri Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry' Holler, 

1^ hrs. (25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21/2 hrs. (25c)10 4 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs. (25c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 25^ h.(25c) 7 4 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2;4 

hrs. (25c) 10 12 

Safety First, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (2Sc) ."; 5 

Savageland, 2 acts, 2^^ hrs. (50c) 5 5 
School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1^ hrs. 6 5 
Sewing for the Heathen, 40 min. 9 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 7 

Spark of Life, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 4 4 

Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 2}; 

hrs (25c) 10 10 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 2J^ h. (25c) 6 5 
Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 2 

scenes, 35 min. . . . .y 7 3 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs ..(25c) < 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2J^ 

hrs (2Sc) 9 16 

Tonv, the Convict, 5 acts, 2>S 

"hrs .- ...(25c) 7 4 



T.S.DENISON & COM PAN Y,Publishers,154 W.Randolph St., Chicago 



SUCH IGNORANCE! 



A VAUDEVILLE SKETCH 



BY 

FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

AUTHOR OF 

'The Press Agent's Handbook," "Foiled, by Heck!" "At Harmony 
Junction," Composer of "Laughing Water," etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 






SUCH IGNORANCE^! 



CHARACTERS. 

Hebrew Character Comedian. 
Straight Man. 



Note. — The characters should be played in contrast, the Straight 
Man being brisk, lively and energetic. The Comedian is placid, 
meek, humble, always desirous of avoiding trouble. This part should 
he played quietly, rather than boisterously. 



Time — The Present. 



Time of Playing — Fifteen Minutes. 



COSTUMES. 

Comedian — Dilapidated Prince Albert coat, either too 
large or too small ; low-crowned derby hat, large enough 
to slip down upon his ears ; gaudy but soiled vest, on which 
are pinned many medals, which are concealed until he opens 
his coat. 

Straight — Up-to-date business suit. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right cen- 
ter ; L., left ; / E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; 
R. J E., right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from 
footlights ; down stage, near footlights. The actor is sup- 
posed to be facing the audience. 



copyright, 1918, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 
2 



SEP -7 i^i8 



SUCH IGNORANCE! 



Scene : Street drop in "one," but zvill go just as zvell 
without any scenery at all. 

Enter Straight, briskly, follozved by Comedian, who 
shnfHcs along close at his heels. Straight turns and looks 
at Comedian, who opens his mouth to speak. 

Straight. Stop arguing! 

Comedian. I didn't say not'ing. 

Straight. Yes, you did. 

Comedian. Excuse me for contracting you, but I didn't. 

Straight. Well, if you didn't-, you should. 

Comedian. Aha. Vot's dat? 

Straight. I say if you didn't, you should. . 

Comedian. Oh, possitiffly. But listen, Marmaduke. 
You say if I didn't, I should. 

Straight. Exactly. 

Comedian. Den de question is, if I vasn't, how can I? 

Straight. Such colossal stupidity ! 

Comedian. Sholem Alachem. 

Straight. Don't talk foolish. 

Comedian. Dat ain't foolish. It's Yiddish. 

Straight. What I want to know is, why have you been 
following me around for the last two hours? I can't get 
rid of you any more than a dog can get rid of his tail. 

Comedian. Oi, Horatio, you got wrong by de dog's tail. 
If I vas like it a dog's tail, you could shake me vunce. 

Straight. No matter how fast I walk, I can't get away 
from you. 

Comedian. Oh, you can't get away. Why don't you 
flee from a dog's tail? 

Straight. Why don't I — {annoyed). Never mind about 
the dog's tail! 

Comedian {meekly). All right. 

Straight. Don't argue ! 

Comedian. All rig-ht. 



SUCH IGNORANCE! 



Straight. 

Comedian. 

Straight. 

Comedian. 

Straight. 

Comedian. 

Straight. 

Comedian, 

Straight. 

Comedian. 

Straight. 

Comedian. 

Straight. 



That's the end of it ! 

De tail end. 
Never mind which end. Cut it out. 

Supposing he vouldn't Hke it? To cut it off? 
Cut what off? 

De dog's tail. 
I said nothing whatever about a dog's tail. 

Den vhy mention it now? 
Why did you mention it? 

Because I am a friend of dumb animals. 
Is that so? 

Sure. Did I ever say a cross vord to you? 
Not that I — say, are you trying to insinu- 



ate- 



CoMEDiAN. I belong to de S. P. C. A. \ 

Straight. Is that a fact? 

Comedian. No, it's a secret society. 

Straight. Why, I don't believe you even know what 
S. P. C. A, means. 

Comedian. Sure I do. S. P. C. A. St. Patrick's Club 
of America. {Pulls hack coat, shows medals on vest.) See 
de medal? 

Straight (pointing) . This one? 

Comedian. No. Dot's one I got for safing a boy's life. 

Straight. Then you are a hero. (Shakes his hand cor- 
dially.) I am always proud to shake the hand of a hero. 

Comedian. Oh, you are still trying to shake me? 

Straight. How did you come to save a boy's life, my 
brave man? 

Comedian (szvelling chest out). 

Straight. Tell me about it. 

Comedian. It vas like dis. My son Ikey asks me for 
a dollar to buy a pair of skates, but I didn't give him no 
dollar. 

Straight. How did you save his life? Did he go away 
and fall through the ice? 

Comedian. No. But supposing I had gave him a dol- 
lar. He mieht have. 



From drownding. 



Straight. 



You are a fine looking hero ! 



SUCH IGNORANCE! 5 

Comedian {proudly). Oh, you tink so? 

Straight. No, I don't think so. 

Comedian. Den for vhy did you say so? 

Straight. What I said was ironical. 

Comedian. I give it up. 

Straight. Ironical. Ironical! 

Comedian. You better look out for 'em. 

Straight. Look out for what? 

Comedian. Iron nickels. 

Straight. I said nothing whatever about iron nickels. 
I said you were a fine looking hero. 

Comedian. And vhen I admitted it, you apologized. 

Straight. I spoke in a spirit of satire. 

Comedian. Oh, now you got a flat tire? 

Straight. Not flat tire, you poor boob. Satire! 
{Shouting.) Satire! 

Comedian {meekly). Veil, vot should I do? Call a cop? 

Straight. Of course not. Why don't you listen to me 
like a gentleman ? 

Comedian. Vhy don't you talk to me like a gentleman? 

Straight. Why, if I had to talk to you like a gentle- 
man, it would drive me crazy. 

Comedian. If I heard you talking like a gentleman, I'd 
know you vas crazy. 

Straight. That is nothing less than a deliberate insult !- 

Comedian. Oh, I can do better dan dat. 

Straight. I demand satisfaction ! 

Comedian, Oh, you ain't satisfied? 

Straight. There is only one way to settle these things 
between gentlemen. 

Comedian. Right avay you talk about gentlemen again. 
Vot has all dis to do with us? 

Straight. We must resort to the code of honor! 

Comedian. Oi, I ain't got vun. 

Straight. You haven't a what? 

Comedian. A coat of honor. 

Straight. Not coat, you numbskull, code. Code! 

Comedian. Oh, you got a cold? Veil, ain't you got a 
handkerchief? 



SUCH IGNORANCE! 



I ain't got no pistol 



Straight. That means fight ! 

Comedian. Den never mind about de handkerchief. 

Straight. We aren't fighting with handkerchiefs. We 
are fighting with pistols ! 

Comedian. Ve ain't fighting yet, are ve? 

Straight. No, but we're going to. 

Comedian. Vid pistols? 

Straight. With pistols. 

Comedian. Den ve can't fight. 

Straight. You are a coward. 

Comedian (opening his coat to expose his vest). Look 
at dem m.edals!' Does dot look Hke a coward? (Points.) 
See dot medal? 

Straight. Well, what did you get that one for? 

Comedian. Getting shot like a hero ! 

Straight. Where did you get shot? 

Comedian. In de coat of honor. 

Straight. But that's only half a medal. 

Comedian. Sure. I only got half shot. 

Straight. Well vou won't eet a medal when I get 



through with you. 

Comedian (shrugging) 
no more. 

Straight. 

Comedian. 

Straight. 



I should vorry. I don't vant 



Comedian. 
Straight. 
sleeves? 
Comedian. 
Straight. 
Comedian. 
Straight. 
Comedian. 



Why not? 

They make holes in my vest. 
I'll make a hole in your vest — a bullet hole. 

No, you von't. I ain't going to vear no vest. 
Oh, you're going to fight in your shirt 



I ain't going to vear no shirt. 

Then what are you going to wear? 

A coat of honor. 
You mean you're going to wear a coat. 

Possitiffly. Vot do you t'ink I am? A Ro- 
man raddiator? 

Straight. What are you going to wear under the coat? 
Comedian. Undervear. 
Straight. Under the coat. 
Comedian. Undervear. 



SUCH IGNORANCE! 7 

Straight. Can't you hear me? 

Comedian. How can I help it? 

Straight. I asked you what you were going to wear 
under the coat. 

Comedian. Sure you did. And I said undervear. 

Straight. I said under the coat. Why do you keep ask- 
ing me? 

Comedian. I ain't asking you. I'm telHng you. 

Straight. I said under the coat. And still you ask me, 
under where? 

Comedian. Oh, I see. You ain't accustomed to speak- 
ing English. 

Straight. For the last time I ask you, what are you 
going to wear under the coat? 

Comedian. For de last time I tell you — P. V. D.'s. 

Straight. You mean B. V. D.'s. 

Comedian. Say, who is wearing it — you or me? 

Straight. Your ignorance is overwhelming. 

Comedian. Who are you, dat you speak of my igno- 
rance, ven you ain't even got any? 

Straight. Do you know what B: V. D. signifies? It is 
a trade-mark — a symbol — a characteristic sign. Aside from 
that, it means absolutely nothing. 

Comedian. You say P. V. D. don't mean not'ing? Oi, 
Clarence, your incense is overpowering! Of course it means 
something. 

Straight. Oh, does it? 

Comedian. Sure it does. Absotutely. Everyt'ing means 
somet'ing — even your conversation. 

Straight. Well, if you know so much, what does B. 
V. D. mean? 

Comedian. P. V. D. — protection vrom drafts. 

Straight. What can I expect from you ? You will never 
learn how to conduct yourself. 

Comedian. How should I? I ain't never been a con- 
ductor. 

Straight. I am ashamed to be seen with you. 

Comedian. Veil, just t'ink how I feel. 



8 SUCH IGNORANCE! 

Straight. Do you remember when we went into (names 
local restaurant) for lunch today? 

Comedian. Should I forget it so quick, when I paid for 
your ticket? 

Straight. Never mind about that. The way you ar- 
gued with the waiter ! I never heard such strong language. 

Comedian. My langvidge vasn't half as strong as de 
eggs. 

Straight. Well, didn't he offer to get you some fresh 



eggs 



Comedian. Vot I vanted vas fresh air ! 

Straight. Don't you know it is unmannerly to refuse ' 
what is laid before you? .1 

Comedian. I guess dey vas laid a long time before. ' 

Straight. I am speaking of the way you sent the sau- , 
sage back. : 

Comedian. Veil, vhy not? It vasn't fit to eat. Even ; 
you vouldn't eat it. } 

Straight. Of course not. But I would have refused it > 
like a gentleman. | 

Comedian. Vot you should have said, if you had been '' 
a gentleman? ' , 

Straight. I would have said, "Waiter, will you kindly i 
oblige me by returning this to the kitchen? This sausage is i 
not strictly fresh." 

Comedian. Oh, dot's de vay I should have told him de 
sausage wasn't fresh? ; 

Straight. Certainly you should. Now, for a Httle \ 
practice, we will imagine that I am a waiter, and that you ■ 
are a customer in the dining-room. Now, how do you speak ' 
to me? _ ! 

Comedian. Are you a imaginary waiter? i 

Straight. That's the idea. ^ 

Comedian. I t'ought so. You can't never find a real \ 
vaiter ven you vant vun. (Straight hoivs stiffly before | 
Comedian, zvho dips into the air zvith thumb and forefinger j 
and then makes throzving motion.) I 

Straight. What are you trying to do? ;; 

Comedian. I found a fly in de sugar bowl. I 

i 
a 

i 



SUCH IGNORANCE! . 9 

Straight (boiving as before). Did you call me, sir? 

Comedian. Did you hear me ring? 

Straight (bowing). Yes, sir. 

Comedian. Dot's funny. I didn't ring. Are you a 
vaiter? 

Straight. Yes, sir. 

Comedian. Den vipe dat soup off your shirt front, and 
bring me a frankfooter sandvitch. 

Straight. Yes, sir. (Straight starts azvay. Come- 
dian tips his hat and smiles at someone in the audience. 
Straight notices it and turns back.) What did you do 
that for? 

Comedian. Did you see de cashier flirting vid me? 

Straight. There is no cashier in this restaurant. 

Comedian. Dis certainly is a rotten restaurant. 

Straight {business of passing something to him). Here 
is your frankfurter sandwich, sir. 

Comedian (business of taking something from him and 
sniffing it). Take it avay. 

Straight. What's the matter with it? 

Comedian. De dog's stale ! (Straight /nj/^/M af Come- 
dian, zvho puts his foot out and trips him. Straight falls.) 

Straight (sitting on floor). What did you do that for? 

Comedian (brushing his fingers daintily against each 
other). I vas just tipping de vaiter! 

(Comedian takes Straight by coat collar a^nd appears 
to lift him to his feet, and they finish zvith song, or dance, 
or quick walking exit to fast music.) 

Curtain. 



Denison's Vaudeville Monologues 

Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid 

HEY, RUBE! — Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 
15 minutes. Reuben Spinach, from Yapton, visits Chicago for the 
first time. The way he tells of the sights and what befell him 
would make a sphinx laugh. 

KILLARNEY BLARNEY. — Irish monologue, by Harry L. New- 
ton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Barney McGooggen's stories of 
himself and his friend Casey reach the apex of Irish wit. 

MARRIAGE AND AFTER. — Monologue, by Harry L. Newton and 
A. S. Hoffman; 1 male. Time, about 10 minutes. A laugh every 
two seconds on a subject which appeals to all. Full of local hits. 

ME AND MY DOWN TRODDEN SEX.— Old maid monologue, by 
Harry L. Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 female. Time, 5 min- 
utes. Polly has lived long enough to gather a few facts about 
men which are told in the most laughable manner imaginable. 

MRS. CLANCY'S CONFESSION.— Monologue, by Harry L. New- 
ton; 1 female. Time, 10 minutes. Mrs. Clancy says: ^ "Marriage 
is a great institution — for the blind, as it opens the eyes quicker 
than anything else in the world." 

MY FRIEND FRITZ. — Dutch monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 
1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Hans Snitzer, a German but not from 
Milwaukee, has some funny experiences. His Turkish bath story 
will thaw out anv audience. 

PETE YANSEN'S GURL'S MODER.— Swede monologue, by Char- 
ley Varley; 1 male. Time, 10 minutes. Yansen is "yust" from 
"Min-ap-lis" where they make good Swede "yokes." 

SI AND I. — Country girl monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 
female. Time, 15 minutes. Samantha Simpkins of Squashville and 
her beau. Si, visit Chicago. 

SILLY SAMMY'S SECRETS. — Country kid monologue, by Harry 
L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 10 minutes. A merry message of mirth 
sent direct from "down on the farm." 

A SUNNY SON OF ITALY.— Italian monologue by Harry L. 
Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Dis-a country no much-a 
good for Italian mans. German mans he make -a all de beer; 
Jew mans he make -a all de money; Irish mans he made-a all de 
politicians and hold-a all de soft-a snap jobs. What-a you know 
about dat, eh? 

A SWIFT PROPOSITION. — Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 
male. Time, 15 minutes. There are various kinds of vehicles, but 
"A Swift Proposition" is one which will transport any audience 
into a realm of mirth. 

A TRAMP WITH A TRAMP. — Tramp monologue, by Harry L. 
Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Nifty Nick, a gentleman of 
leisure, who tramps along a highway of mirth, where each "hand 
out" is a bunch of laughs. 

THE TROUBLES OF ROZINSKl.— Jew monologue, by Harry L. 
Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 male. Time, 15' minutes. Rozinski, 
a buttonhole maker, is forced to join the union and go on a 
"strike." He has troubles every minute that will tickle the ribs 
of both Labor and Capital. 

UNCLE BILL AT THE VAUDEVILLE.— Rube monologue, by 
Harry L. Newton; 1 male. Time, 15 minutes. Uncle Bill Bilkins, 
a wise old Rube, attends the continuous vaudeville and sees the 
"hull durn show." 

WOMEN'S WAYS. — Monologue, by Harry L. Newton; 1 male. 
Time, 15 minutes. There are two kinds of women of which men 
should beware, the married and the unmarried. Both have curi- 
ous ways, which are told in a most humorous manner. 

WORDS TO THE WISE. — Monologue, by Harry Newton; 1 male. 
Time, about 15 minutes. A typical vaudeville act, which is fat 
with funny lines and rich, rare hits. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 134 W. Randolph St., Chicago 



Denison's Vaudeville Sketches 

"A laugh is- worth a hujidred groans in any market.^' 
Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid 

BREAKFAST FOOD FOR TWO.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry 
L. Newton; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple 
interior. Seldom Sells, a drummer for bottled spring water and 
condensed milk, and Carrie Samples, a breakfast food demonstra- 
tor, meet in a small freight office during a snow blockade. Once 
they were friends, but strangers now; however, while appeasing 
their hunger with their samples a reconciliation is affected. This 
sketch is .a decided novelty and one of the most choice morsels of 
humor ever served. 

THE CABMAN AND THE LADY.— Vaudeville sketch, adapted bv 
William D. Emerson; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 30 minutes. Plaved 
a number of seasons with great success by "Emerson, Caffray and 
Emerson." It is a scream. 

A COLD FINISH.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 
males, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. Scene: An interior. A 
cheeky life insurance agent forces himself into the home of a 
wealthy lady. Her attempt to get rid of him is side splitting. It 
has an unexpected finish which is always a great hit in vaude- 
ville. Really a two-part sketch, as the iceman has only a few 
lines. 

THE COUNTERFEIT BILLS.— Vaudeville sketch, bv Harrv L. 
Newton; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. A long lost sailor 
returns and in explaining his absence to his w-ife, finds he has 
steered into rough weather. As a peace-offering he gives her a 
large "roll of bills" and she admits having a second husband 
named Bill; however both prove counterfeit. There is a dash of 
wit and a foam of humor in the Old Salt's tale of adventures 
that cannot fail to delight. 

DOINGS OF A DUDE.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 
2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple interior. 
Maizy von Billion, of athletic tendencies, is expecting a boxing 
instructor and has procured Bloody Mike, a prize fighter, to "try 
him out." Percy Montmorency, her sister's ping pong teacher, is 
mistaken for the boxing instructor and has a "trying out" that 
is a surprise. A whirlwind of fun and action. 

FRESH TIMOTHY HAY.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. New- 
ton; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple rural 
exterior. By terms of a will. Rose Lark must marry Reed Bird or 
forfeit a legacy. Rose and Reed have never met and when he 
arrives Timothy Hay, a fresh farm hand, mistakes him for Pink 
Eye Pete, a notorious thief. Ludicrous lines and rapid action. 
Chance for songs and specialties if desired. 

"We presented 'Fresh Timothy Hay' with great success." — 
Frank S. Wildt, Lancaster, Pa. 

GLICKMAN, THE GLAZIER.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. 
Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. 
Scene: Simple interior. Charlotte Russe, an actress, is scored 
by a dramatic paper. With "blood in her eye" she seeks the 
critic at the office, finds no one in and smashes a window. Jacob 
Glickman, a Hebrew glazier, rushes in and is mistaken for the 
critic. Fun, Jokes, gags and action follow with lightning rapidity. 
A great Jew part. 

"LTnder the team name of Herbert and Elliott we are making a 
big hit with 'Glickman, the Glazier.' Your 'stuff' is the best ever." 
— C. W. Herbert, Spokane, Wash. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 



Denison's Vaudeville Sketches 

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market. ^^ 
Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid 

THE GODDESS OF LOVE.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. 
Newton; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. Scene: Simple ex- 
terior. Aphrodite, a Greeli Goddess, is a statue in the park. Ac- 
cording to tradition, a gold ring placed upon her finger will bring 
her to life. Knott Jones, a tramp, who had slept In the park 
all night, brings her to life. A rare combination of the beautiful 
and the best of comedy. Novel, easy to produce and a great hit. 

HER HERO. — Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten Smith; 1 male, 
1 female. Time, 20 minutes. To test her lover's courage, a young 
lady pretends she hears a burglar in an adjoining room arid in- 
sists that he shall investigate. He meets with a surprise which 
is far from what the jesting maiden had anticipated. Rich com- 
edy and rapid action. 

"Used 'Her Hero' with great success for six successive weeks." 
— Herman Nelms, Nashville, Tenn. 

A HOME RUN. — Vaudeville sketch, by Harry W. Osborne; 
1 male, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. A bit of baseball non- 
sense introduced into a novel situation. "Inshoots" of wit, 
"out-curves" of mirth and "drop-balls" of hilarity are put over 
the "plate" in rapid succession. 

HOT AIR.— Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten Smith; 2 
males, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. Briggs and his chum after 
a night out. Brigg's wife after an explanation. She finds their 
lovely "fairy tale" simply "hot air" and they find themselves in 
"hot water." Their ingenuity in extricating themselves from 
the humid situation is most amusing. 

IS IT RAINING? — ^Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton 
and A. S. Hoffman; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 10 minutes. Otto 
Swimorebeer, a German, Susan Fairweather, a friend of his. This 
act runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and comical lines. 

"I have had expensive sketches, but your's beat them all." — 
Gust Muech, Milwaukee, Wis. 

A MISTAKEN M I SS.— Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten 
Smith; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. The maiden expects 
to meet a very sedate young man, which part he impersonates, 
although he is quite the opposite. He also makes up as an Irish- 
man. However, the mistake was not amiss for the mistaken 
miss, as he proves to be her willing ideal. Strong plot, plenty 
of "laughs" with opportunity for good acting. 

MR. AND MRS. FIDO. — ^Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 
I male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Mrs. Pido's husband and 
her dog Bruno are sick. Johnson, a dog doctor, who is just over 
trom Sweden, is mistaken for Mr. Pido's physician, and com- 
plications arise that create more disturbance than a mustard plas- 
ter on a small boy, A great Swede part. 

"We are now playing 'Mr. and Mrs. Pido' to crowded houses. 
Big hit." — The Elliotts, Clay Center, Kan. 

ONE SWEETHEART FOR TWO.— Vaudeville sketch, by Harry 
L. Newton; 2 females. Time, 20 minutes. It is not recorded in 
the book of Time when one sweetheart was sufficient for two 
ambitious maidens. The dialogue and action in this sketch are as 
magnetic as the breeze froin an electric fan. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price IS Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



.u. r. 
Trial of Hearts, 4. acts, 2>4 lus. 

i25c) , C 13 

Trip to Storyland, 1]4. hrs.(2Sc) 17 23 

l^ncle Josh, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs.(2Sc) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (2Sc) 7 10 

Under the Latirels, 5 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 4 
Winning Widow, 2 acts, l^-j hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 

Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 1 7 

Yankee Detective, J acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COIVIEDIETAS, Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min i 3 

•Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

\unt Harriet's Night Out, 35 , 

min . 1 2 

Baby Show at Pincville, 20 min. 19 

I'illy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Uilly's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

IJorrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Uorrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Case}', 40 min... 23 

Country Justice, 15 min 5 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min.... 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 13 min.. 5 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 
Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min .... 4 3 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Kan.sas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 3Sm. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 ni. 3 2 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min . 6 3 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Smith's LTnlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

That Rascal Pat, .30 min 3 2 

Too Much of a Goad Thing, 43 

min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 33 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 8 



Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's JNIistake, 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades, 40 min. 3 6 

The Whole Truth, 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss? 25 min .• . 3 6 

\'\'ide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 3 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, iVION 
OLOGUES. ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Amateur, 15 min 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 

Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 

Cold \Finish, 15 min 2 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 

Coon Creek Covirtship, 15 min-. 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Coontown_ Thirteen Club, 25 m'. 14 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 

I'oings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 

For Reform, 20 min .......... 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min . . 2 

Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 

Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

liome Run, 15 snin /.... 1 

Hungry, IS min .' 2 

Little Miss Enemy, 15- min.... 1 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 

Mischievous Nigger, 23 min . . 4 

Mr. and INIrs. Fido, 20 min 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min.. 6 

One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 

Oyster Stew, 10 min... 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Si and I, 15 min 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min-; 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 

Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 

Two Jay Detectives, 15 _min.. 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 

What Happened to Hannah, ISm. 1 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison's Catalogue 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154 W.Randolph St., Chicago 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



POPULAR ENTERTAIN m 

Price, Illustrated Paper Cover*.^__0_015^38 680 6 9 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attrac t i v e 
individual cov- 
er design. 



A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues, 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Diclcens. , 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues,, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues, 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker, 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 



Monologues Grave and Gay, ~"' 

Dramatic and humorous. 
Scrap-Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 30c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 'years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving, 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget, 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations, 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

jNTonologues, stump speeches, etc.. 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels, 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester, 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Publishers,154W.Randolph St., Chicago 



